Grief

Where Angels Sing

written 2/13/10

My dear friend passed on today. And while I’m relatively experienced in coping with the loss of a loved one…the heavy blanket of fog never seems to get any lighter when someone I love dies. The tears still fall, the regrets of why didn’t I take the time last week to see him, the depression no one can pull me out of, the weight of grief, sadness is still there. I know it will pass. I know it will.

But meantime…it’s tough.

I do recognize (in this space)  a softening of the soul – an awakening if you will.

This next part is what I wrote about grieving several months ago when all was well and it still holds true. But  what I should really address more is how to be with someone who is grieving. What helps is someone to who will just listen. Not try and make everything better because no one can. But just listen with compassion and silence.

Great change happens in the precipice of our lives.

There is another kind of victory one rarely speaks of. A victory some feel they’ll never win while others may resent having to achieve almost by force.

It is a spiritual and emotional victory over extreme loss, grief and confusion thereof.  The kind of darkness which  seems to separate you from you and everything else in a blanket of fog.

There are no medals for this victory and the battles for it are usually kept private. When the funeral’s over, the questions are answered, the day-to-day continues on and we’re all alone with our tears, a quiet panic sets in that no one hears, let alone understands or wants to be a part of. And the last thing I wanted to read in a self help book or hear from anyone is…“there will be smiles and sunshine ahead“… because to me at that point in time, it was a lie.

Then gradually over time it isn’t about the loss anymore, it becomes about everything else within you that has never really been looked at. This is a battle we’re not really prepared to fight and win let alone receive with eagerness.

To cope with grief from any kind of loss it is human nature to think one must be emotionally strong and stop crying about it weeks and months later. But in doing so we rely on a false strength we believe will get us past whatever dilemma we need to get through.

I’ve listened to people tell me right after they experience their first serious loss or have gone through very critical life changes say to me,

“I’m strong and can handle it, I keep busy and everything is fine, it will pass.”  Then a year or more later they wonder why they’re addicted to an unhealthy lifestyle or why all their relationships are dysfunctional, or have increase in physical problems, the list is endless. Then they go out and seek help for the surface problems, ignoring the real issue, which now lies deep within as a result of being ignored in the first place.

It is when you give yourself permission to really let go of control and allow your vulnerability to unite with the grief, is when healing begins baring the fruit of internal lessons and spiritual strength that ultimately can change your life for the better.

The problem with grieving is that it is extremely inconvenient! Tears flow at the most inopportune time,  enjoying a lovely dinner with friends is exhausting, it seems everyone on the planet is happy but you,  and loved ones desperately want to help but understandably don’t know how. We’re unwillingly thrown into a very dark journey through a territory that is unpleasant while feeling insecure that we’re giving off appearances of being weak to say the very least – like we’re suppose to “get over it” months after the funeral.

I blindly took a step forward not knowing where I was going, a journey of synchronicity unfolded and yielded itself to incredible blessings and a spiritual awakening about life, death and even the screaming almighty question of “oh my God why?!” (which we all ask). I later realized the emotional impact of it all was all used to buff, sand then launch a kicking screaming rebel soul towards an internal forward which changed my life forever in many positive ways. Taking the time to heal completely, replaced the sadness of their deaths with a grateful joy that they lived! A celebration of their life and who they will forever be.

Bottom line, whether your loss has slammed you to the pavement from an on coming truck of tragic shock, or peacefully slips away or anything else in-between, this may help….as told to me by an amazing Psychiatrist…

“There will be waves, like ocean waves that will pound down on you, carry you out to sea, then return you. You need to ride these waves. They are natural. Don’t fight them or you’ll feel worse. When you try and withstand them on your own strength, that’s when there force does the most damage. Ride them out until they calm down on their own. Remember that’s part of the reason you feel panicked is because you feel it’s abnormal, it’s not, it’s very normal to feel this way.”

…ride the roller coaster of emotions out and miracles will occur.

And that they did

People go in and out of our lives for purposes other then what fits our agendas or our own timing for that matter. Relationships do not define who we are. Relationships enhance our lives for a reason with treasured touching of the hearts. They God’s special gifts while embarking through the seasons of life paths.

Walk this way

Each individual has their own path way forward in any circumstance, their own reality to realize. Each learns whatever it is they need to learn for themselves. Everyone is different. However the commonality with grief is, its inevitable somewhere within our lifetime. It is an unpopular, misunderstood, avoided, and scary fact of life. But grieving can be a huge Blessing of vision unlike any other..and given its due time…..

C.S. Lewis says; “God whispers in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscious, but shouts in our pain. It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”

C.S. Lewis also wrote: “Pain gives opportunity for amendment. It removes the veil and plants the flag of truth within the fortress of the rebel soul.

(could have just used his quotes instead – they say it all on this subject)

Last but not least – the best thing you can do for a friend whom is grieving is just BE THERE – in silence – just listen – just be present and hand them tissues. Especially during the months after the funeral.

It doesn’t sound like much, but for the person who is grieving…..

it’s everything.